Some weeks I just don't get it. I ended off last week with a message at the church (reading it in Dagbani) and hosted great people at my house. I was encouraged and ready to persevere...and then...I don't know. I can't be blaming every thing on spiritual warfare. There is something in me. Whiney-ness? Too busy-ness? Unorganized-ness? Discouraged-ness? (Hmmm, kind of like Dagbani where I make up my own words. haha)
Whatever it was/is, I go back and forth with "I'm done" and "ok, let me just try one more day" or "there is no way" and "rejoice always". I have good people around me that I can call and talk to. There are teammates here who I pray with. I have prayer partners in different countries to talk with and share with. I email people who email. Those are great, I am so thankful. I try to stay positive and push myself...but talking with Damary yesterday, I just ended up sobbing. Maybe because she knows how it is here. Maybe because she has tried to learn Dagbani too. Maybe because it was just wonderful to talk with her. Whatever it was, I was a mess.
I told her I am going home. I quit. I had 2 people yesterday tell me I really need to work on my Dagbani, one even said, "you should try and learn Dagbani". Yep, that is how good I am. I mean, let's be real, you guys, it has been 3 years and I can barely manage a back and forth conversation. Yeah, I can preach a message when someone puts it into Dagbani for me. But everyday life? Nope. It does not come. I think the time has come to evaluate some things. I just don't know. I have not said a word to my team. I know they will rally around and encourage me. They all think I am being hard on myself. I am not. I am being honest with myself. And then all that encouragement, ugh...sometimes I just do not want to hear it.
The thing is, I told myself that I do not want to live here if I can not speak the language. Yes, lots of people do it. Yes, English speakers can manage just fine. But, I guess I had ideas of grandeur, ideas of talking with people on a deeper level. POOF! Dream gone! Or...do I work another 3 years? Come on. Let's not kid ourselves. It cannot keep on like this. Don't laugh but the words in that song sung by Kenny Rogers, "You gotta know when to fold 'em." :)
I probably should say something to my team leader. And I will, next week. I know what he will say and it will encourage me blah, blah, blah... not in the mood for encouragement.
So, don't you all go and get any ideas. Let me "Scrooge" around. Don't worry, the next minute I am upbeat. It is so weird. Thankfully, God is always good. Always faithful. He never wavers. I cling to Him, as always. Life is hard. It is for everyone.
Thanks for praying.