many christians have proverbs 3:5 memorized and they should. it is a great verse. a comforting verse. a verse to know that God will make my path straight even when i don't understand. But let's talk about that NON understanding part. that part i just don't get. sometimes i get angry that i don't understand. i cry because i feel i should understand or at least know or be in the clue about why it needs to go this way. Trust is a word christians talk a lot about. but do we really? really really? i am such a big talker. if i was back in the day of saul and the pharisees i would have been high up on the pole of rabbi. (uh, minus the part i am a woman). i am all about telling people what to do and how to live that i sometimes forget to do and listen to what Jesus says. how am i supposed to teach others when i am not learning from my Teacher? what do i have to pour out when i am full of the air-of-nothingness or wisdom-of-sherri?ok, so i have pulled away from my original thought. TRUST. can i say it? i don't.when i can't see it or when i can't understand i don't trust. to make myself feel better i say, "but i have trusted God and moved to africa." as if that shows everyone what a truster i am. yes, i did trust God in that. but what about in my daily thought life now? what about in making small decisions? what about in loving those next to me? do i trust? no. not really.one thing i love about Jesus, so many things really, but today as i am blog blasting my thoughts out, is that he gives me chance after chance after chance. he waits. he waits and longs for me to trust. and i hear him, with his arm around me cheering for me to let go of what i know and just trust. but my lip quivers. i have to breathe intentionally. i hold back the tears of fear and also tears of i-wish-i-could-do-this. in my head i tell myself, "He has never let me down, He has never let me down" but my fear is stronger. so i pray. and i rely on the body of Christ to be praying for me as well.let's not make it so simple...even though it is. it is simple and beautiful to trust the creator of the universe. i know it. but i know there are things in our lives that we have tucked so nicely away and will only pull out if it goes...just.like.this. trusting Jesus shows how my life is still so much about me. my level of trust shows where my heart really is. it is not so nice to come to terms with that. and then it feels good because i now have a starting place. though, it terrifies me.so much that i just can't. i can't trust with all of my heart. i can't. all? with all my heart???(sigh)i cannot even see the first step, much less those beyond. and yet, i roll my eyes at myself. if someone was telling me this i would say to them, "how exciting!!" how exciting to not know what is coming ahead and just be amazed at what God is going to do. God always brings an adventure. but i am being sulky. i am not feeling spontaneous and whimsy right now. i don't want adventure. i want hard, solid facts of how, when, where, and why.no sweet-fuzzy-feeling-ending on this one.

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