it worked!

his name is jackson. he used to be in my kid's club but now he is a teenager and has moved to the next class. jackson is the kid all my associates wish they could take back with them to their home countries. he is the sweetest and funniest kid, that you can't help but love.

one of my goals this year is to memorize a Bible verse every week. i have a card to guide me which verse for what week. i encouraged the youth to join me and ... well, i think i am mostly on my own, or i thought i was. a couple weeks ago, jackson came to me and told me i needed to pray for him. he said the verse for the week is very difficult. the verse was romans 12:19-- do not take revenge my friends but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, "i will avenge, i will repay" says the Lord. he told me the place where he stays is not the house of his father. a girl also in the house makes fun of him because he does not stay with his father. it sounds like she taunts and teases daily. he told me he wants to beat her, it makes him so angry. but he is trying to leave it in God's hands because of this verse. i, first of all was shocked, and then in awe, of this kid and said maybe we need to pray for the girl. i said when people are mean like that it is probably because they are hurting, so let's pray for her (and him too).

a few days later i got a text from jackson. all is said was, "it worked". i knew exactly what he meant but i was so excited i called him. he told me she has stopped bothering him.

i just praise, praise, praise God for his faithfulness and the power of His Word!! what an experience jackson had with God and will hopefully remember because he remained obedient.

it is an example for me!

Emmanuel

i have a brother. a friend. a ministry partner. his name is emmanuel awortwe, or emma (pronounced eeeeema). our friendship/partnership started out quite rocky. to be frank, i just did not like him. he always had views that were opposite to mine. his personality is opposite to mine. he would do things i would never do. he is very serious. he is quiet. yet, i knew i needed to work with him. he is very involved in church and has been so i knew our paths would be crossing a lot. i started praying that i would love him, that it would be a joy to work with him.

i don't know how it happened but while he was in college we started meeting. We would meet every week and eat fufu. and we would talk. and we would fight. and we would try to convince the other to listen. and we would try to stay calm thru the whole thing. and sometimes we would laugh. and we would pray. and God being so gracious, brought us to love one another! to work in unity together! and so we have been. side note-- remember in acts when the early church was meeting together? they were also eating together and i think food really breaks down barriers! when i think about this transformation in our relationship i think how important the eating part was...and still is! emma has since graduated from Maranatha University College (top of his class!!!) with a bachelors in theology. he has now been licensed as a pastor and is helping to get a branch up and running in the ashaiman area.

our pastors do not get paid. how do they live you ask? i.have.no.idea. many, if not all, have other jobs, they have to. they all have families and bills etc, etc. it is very difficult for them. but by faith, they move out and watch God take care of them. and that leads me back to pastor emma---

he would like to get his masters in religious studies    which would enable him to teach at a university and be paid while he is leading a church. but, he has no money. would you be willing to help him go to school? he has already been accepted at the University of Legon in Accra. i told him i would make people aware of his need and if you feel God leading you to help him please contact me and we can work out how to go about it. He would need about $4,000.00 and that would cover everything-- classes, books, fees, and transport back and forth for this two year course.

wanna-be big and burly

last wednesday i was driving with 2 associates to a school where we teach kids. the road...hmph... how do i explain this road???! the school is on top of a hill, a hill of rocks. people are literally carving out of rock to build homes there. getting to the top is best done with a 4x4 pick up truck. it is just the most brutal road, if you can even call it a road. so, anyways, i am driving and i see some young punks sort of filling a part of the road with dirt so that the pothole isn't quite the size of a volcano but more like a crater. when young guys do this they are doing it out of the very sweetness (i say it with sarcasm) of their hearts which in turn they hope to get a "dash", a little somethin' somethin' for helping us drivers. we made it past them without them troubling us but i knew they would be waiting for me to come back down the hill. now, we finished teaching and we left the school and got back on the road and...yep, there they were. Four young punk kids, who yes, put effort into filling a hole, but not enough effort, in my opinion, to warrant a "dash". but what these guys did was put 4 cement blocks in the road so you could not pass. you had to stop and give them something for them to move the blocks. well, i pulled up to the boys and opened my door and got out. i said, "ohhhh, i see you need me to help you? please, i would love to help you!" i'm not sure they heard my accent or what and they just stared at me. i proceeded to the cement blocks and picked one up and hurled it (thanks P90X!) out of the road and did it with a second one as well and the guys shouted, "ei!! obruni!!" (obruni is white person) then i got back into the truck waved at them nicely and we drove away. we were laughing and watching them in the rear view mirror. they were just standing, not moving, just staring at us. i am not sure they knew what to think. i know some ghanaians think we foreigners are very weak, and yes, sometimes compared to them we really are. but then other times...hmph, my farmer tough-girl attitude wants to come out and feel all big and burly and take on the world!

Winners School

since last year i to to Winners Family School once a week to teach Bible. It is a great school.  It is run by one of our church leaders and his wife. I teach 2 junior high classes for an hour each. we study the names of God. names like Elohim, El Shaddai, Jehovah, Jehovah Or, Jehovah Sabbaoth, El Shammah, etc,etc. it has been a great study and God has helped me be creative, which makes it more fun for everyone. i have taught the younger kids in the past but since I have Associates like Kyndra and Max they have been doing the primary students, and i am thankful for that.one thing i notice in Ghana is that people threaten a lot. parents and teachers are great at this. "stop that or i will beat you" don't do that or i won't give you toffee" (there is no toffee) i can't stand it. winner's school is no different or the other school i teach at or the kids club i do. i have really had to train my kids that when i say something i mean it. like if i say i will cancel class after one more warning, i really do it. or if i send a kid home after for being disruptive and always, always the kids are shocked. "auntie sherri, why?" i tell them, "you don't joke with auntie sherri". as i hear myself, i laugh inside. but it must be hard for them. i wonder what age they stop believing adults? i wonder what age they start doing it themselves? and they do do it.all i know to do is continue being consistent and doing what i say.

a new year, a new fave

i notice every year my favorite ghanaian food changes. last year when i came back from home assignment i really craved banku. i lived in the guest house and there just happened to be a banku/okra soup seller right down the street. i cannot tell you how much banku i ate. i remember the first time years ago when i ate banku. i remember thinking, "i am never going to like this. it is sour, and the soup is so slimy". but somehow 2013 comes around and i LOVE BANKU. so strange. well, 2014 started even stranger. i find myself craving...this is so wild...craving--kenkey!! and pepper!! and fried fish!! i remember saying i would never like kinkey. and i just learned to accept and resign myself to eating fishy-fish. you know, the kind that smells really fishy, not the dipped in beer batter and fried so you can't even tell you are eating fish. so now i find myself going to a chop bar** and voluntarily ordering very spicy pepper-tomato-onion sauce with fish and kenkey. this is really wild. i have always said i will never like kenkey. never.what is kenkey? it is corn that has been soaked, fermented and ground. then they pack it into a ball and wrap it with leaves. the pepper sauce is red chiles that have been ground with tomatoes and a bit of salt and some raw onions thrown in. the fish is just fried and slightly salted. i do still have a little growing to do because i still am not able to eat the fish head and the eyes and all that. when i am questioned about it i tell people i don't want the fish to see what is in my belly. it usually brings about a laugh and they forget to try to convince me to eat the head. PHEWWW!in all this madness i do remember to thank God because i always tell new people keep trying the food even though you may not like it and now i can add because maybe after 8 years you may find yourself liking it!** a chop bar is a place where you can buy food and "chop". it is usually small, cheap, furnished with plastic chairs and tables, and not the most sanitary. but they are so handy and usually have hilarious names!

north and back

 i  left accra on the 31st with 10 other people from accra. we headed for tamale which is located north central ghana. it took us about 10 hours to get there. there were times, as i drive, where i look in my rearview mirror and see people laughing and talking and i love that i can help be a part of that happening. i feel life in accra is so busy and people don't stay still for long periods of time. so i like that my van forces people to be together. ha ha. then other times i would look in my rearview mirror and see everyone sleeping...that made me want to pull over the van and sleep too.

 We arrived in tamale (pronounced tah mah lay) by evening and went over to our friend andrew's place who had banku and pepper for us. then went to one of our churches in tamale to celebrate new years with them. new years eve is the most celebrated day of the year. every church is packed. maybe because everyone wants to start the year out in a good way? i don't know. anyways, we had a good time singing, being encouraged by God's Word, and dancing. one of the pastors there has a conference center and next to it is a vocational center and that is where we stayed. and believe me after church, i crashed!

we didn't have to rush the next day. navrongo, our final destination, was only a couple hours drive. but i did need to find some food, i did need to take a walk and i did need to get my tire fixed. but all in all it was a good, restful day. we made it to navrongo by evening and just chilled with other people. we stayed at a secondary school campus. the girls had a dormitory. it was like a really, rough camp. there were about 40 bunk beds all in one room. the toliets were latrines. the shower was a wide empty space with four walls. we had to go and fetch our own water. community living is a post for another time!

we stayed a few days for the conference. there was an american couple who did devotionals and talks. their accent was a bit hard for ghanaians to understand because we talk sooooo fast. they had a quiz night and sword drills. the food was ok, but i wasn't expecting it to be wonderful. i really thank God i have learned to like ghanaian food! that is for another post! some kids threw a rock through the side back window of the van so i had to run to bolgatanga to find someone to fix it for me. i had a pastor come with me, so he knew where to go. and then my friends from accra paid for it. am i not soooo blessed?? God is good, always. also, the national BCA youth elected new members. so we pray this new leadership will be an encouragement for the church.

then on the 4th we woke up early and headed to kumasi. it took us about 10 hours. should have been shorter but none of us knew kumasi and we got stuck in some serious traffic. most of the youth got out at a bus station and took transport to accra. i, kyndra and 2 church guys stayed in kumasi for pastors conference which was another week.

it was an exhausting time. but i really love being able to serve in this way. many youth would not be able to go from accra because transportation would be too expensive.

christmas

Christmas...though far from home, away from family and sweating in humid temperatures was a blessing. how many people can say they are loved by a family of people in africa? my friends really were there for me knowing it is difficult to be away from what is normal at this time of year. on christmas day i ate fufu. thankfully i had men around so i didn't have to pound it. we exchanged gifts and had a chance to spend time talking. it was nice. the whole week of christmas was full of people. i had people over and went to a youth party and our SIM party. all so very wonderful.

i talked with my sister on the phone last night and she gave me a good update on all that happened at home. i felt like i was sitting right next to her. cell phones are amazing!

the photo is of my kids that i am with on monday and wednesday evenings. kyndra organized the song by whitney houston, "who could imagine a king" and the kids sang it and did some acting with it. it was soooo cute!!!

youth missions 2013

in october i had the privilege of organizing our annual youth missions. it is where youth from our accra district churches come together to help out another one of our churches. usually a group of 20-30 youth come. i have to say, i hate the organizing part, but i love the missions weekend! in august we do a youth camp for a weekend and that is absolutely exhausting, fast paced and i don't really get to connect with people. youth missions is different. it is slower paced, we sleep and even get a rest in the afternoon! i get to really talk with people. so what do we do on this weekend? well, let me tell you. we get into 2s or 3s and from morning to afternoon we walk around the community and evangelize. it sounds outdated and in people's faces, which can be awkward, but once you introduce yourself ghanaians are soooooooo hospitable and will kindly listen even if they are already believers or don't care about what you are saying. we pray with people and share our stories. we listen if people want to talk to us. we invite them to a christian film show in the evenings. In the evenings after the film show pastor george shared the gospel and invited people to accept Christ, which some did!i was matched with vida and joseph two young people i don't know so well but by the end of the weekend we were good friends! each of us had opportunities to share about Christ. joseph was very bold in going directly to people and asking them for some time to talk. vida was great at praying with people. me? i felt like a was a great attraction--meaning people are wondering what a white girl is doing walking around their small town and so they come closer and then it gives us an open door to share Christ :) i do what i can, you know ha ha ha!we met so many people. we talked with an older man who has been a christian for a long time. we talked to a ras>ta guy who accepted the Lord. we talked with people who wanted prayer for their business or family. it was such a blessing to be a part of this. i mean, totally out of my comfort zone, but such JOY!! and when we come together and talk about our experiences no one says "i wish i didn't have to do this". everyone feels the excitement of throwing themselves out there and watching what God will do.

my encouragement

from one of my boys that i did a bible study with from 2009-2012. he is the one in my video in my first post--

"Ante Sherri I want to thank u very much for the bible studies u hard with me when i was in Ghana it has really help me here. I have been chosen as the leader of the house i am living in here in Qatar jest because i teach them what u tot me. Keep on with ur good works because God knows why he chose that field for u. Now i very proud of u. All am doing here is from u. Deuteronomy 15:6 is ur portion".

helps keep me going! encourage someone near you, they probably need it.

Time

i have never been to a wedding at our church that started on time. it is always 1 1/2 hours late.i have never been to a program that has started on time.i no longer wear a watch so if a program is going late i don't know and then cannot get angry.i find that when a ghanaian says a time (like we will be finished in 10 minutes) i double it. it usually works out.think of how you feel when someone is late. i am not talking about 5 minutes, i am talking about an hour or even 2 hours. you would understandably get upset. but somehow, and i don't quite know how yet, being late works here. not works in the sense of "let's keep doing it, it is such a great way of doing things" but works because nearly everyone is late and so understands nothing will start on time--unless you are a foreigner.people like myself born in a country where "time is money" don't really realize how that plays out in every day life until you are in a part of the world where that does not ring true. there is a part of you that has time locked inside. you always look at a clock. you figure out when you need to leave to get there on time. you schedule out programs so they run a certain length. time is so normal for us. even someone who lived in ghana for 30+ years still would rush out the door and hurry her roommate because "we don't want to be late". (uh, it takes a lot to be late here.) all that to say time is deeply rooted inside of us and the anger that comes out when one doesn't follow "my rules of time" is ...inevitable. even with so much time spent in ghana, this is one area that gets me so angry.i have planned a program or activity and because of lateness it gets cut short or i can't do all that was planned and end up wondering why i even did it in the first place! when i forget or don't know when something will really start and i am waiting and waiting you would be amazed at the frustration. if i was prepared i could be doing something. i could be preparing a lesson or planning a craft. i could be using my time wisely instead of just being a bump on a log. now you ask, "if this happens a lot why don't you prepare yourself?" and that is when you have just underestimated the "time sense" inside of you. we assume time. sometimes i should think about it more, that would help me to be less angry but because it is so entwined inside of me i don't think about it. and i think the time thing is always hopeful that it will be according to time.there is no way to fix it. i have lived here 8 years. i know ghanaians, and when a program is 1 1/2 hours late, they will also complain but usually nothing is said when the program starts. it is like "well, it started, let's just forget about it". and i know myself, in one situation, since everyone is a 1/2 hour late i am now too. but since everyone is late then it seems like it can work and you just make do with the time you have or keep people later to finish.so my solution? where ever you go bring a book, bring work of some sort, or go find children to play with.

industrious

this past sunday, i visited one of the churches in the accra area that SIM is involved in. they had a youth day. im not biased or anything but i think youth are the best part of our churches here! anyways, they always ask if new people are visiting or if someone has not visited in awhile. so, i raised my hand and the guy giving the welcome introduced me as "sister sherri, our industrious missionary". i smiled to myself. industrious? hmmm...never was called that before. ghanaians always come up with descriptive words to introduce people.today...well, i should say july and august are pretty brutal for my allergies. i really really thank God i rarely get sick but i think it gets made up in allergy season. i don't even know what it is in the air that triggers it. it seems when the clouds come in, as if it will rain then the allergies start. strange, i know. anyways, my eyes were soooooo itchy and my allergy eye drops have finished so i had nothing to help me. so i went into my freezer and looked around. i pulled out my extra big snickers bar. i went to my room, laid on my bed and put the frozen snickers bar on my eyes. the coldness helped relieve the puffiness and itchiness. it felt wonderful. and of course when it defrosted i ate it. So, then... maybe i am industrious?

different eyes

With the Associates we take turns teaching the different ages for Sunday school. Today was my turn for the little little ones. little little as in 2-5 years old. i am finding i do not have a gift with this age group of kids. the 2+ hours of being in their presence exhausts me.

they are cute, though, so cute. the teacher who helps is comfort and she is ahhhhmazing! it helps also to be able to speak twi, kid-twi. my twi is not good enough for these little ones. i had a dr. seuss a-b-c book (note to self: dr seuss is not a good author for young ghanaian kids since there is no way i can explain was a zither zigger thing is) and they would say what the photo is. so even though the picture was about B for barber they said the twi word for bald kid since the pic was a kid with one piece of hair getting cut by a barber. it teaches me a lot on how they see things. being in a different culture somehow changes how i see things. i find that a big blessing. i love seeing things thru someone else's eyes. i know i don't always appreciate it but when i am reminded of these differences i am very thankful for God's creativity. and also, thru the differences of culture and perspective i love how Jesus remains the same thru all of it.

i may not be able to teach much but if these little ones know that Jesus loves them, then my job is done.

a flying nasty

some associates and i do kids clubs during the week. it is rainy season. put that together and who knows what will happen.it rained during the day on monday and the evening we had our kids club, 40 some kids. we were starting to wind the class down and these big nasty bugs fly in. i don't know what they are. flying termites? flying ants? a dragonfly's ugly sister? i just know they are big, zzzzz-ing, lose their wings fast, and crunchy when you step on them. they came in as if we were the only lights on in the whole city. the kids started screaming because they fly but then walk on the ground and are on their flip flops and some are flying around their heads. and so it begins- with the screaming and swatting at them with their flip flops. one kid even caught one and said, "you see auntie sherri?" ugh, no i don't need to see, thanks. but then they think it is funny this mad house of swatting and so they start swatting each other with their sandals (sigh). my associates and i were like, how do we continue??? and there was no way. we tried yelling and then tried being calm but the screaming and running around was out of control. at one point i turned around and laughed because it was so cra---zy. then some kids ran to shut off the lights, which was a nice idea to stop the bugs, but then kids started screaming because of the dark and the bugs were dive bombing us. it was gross. so we hurriedly pushed the kids out the door and ran.that prepared us for what happened wednesday night. wednesday it also rained during the day. and the evening we had our kids club and i saw one nasty fly in. i hurriedly started shutting the windows. nono and lynnea shut the doors and other windows. i was pretty stoked we got to it before we were ambushed again. so as we are singing, i notice more bugs coming in! they were flying in under the door! if that is not the meanest flying nasty i don't know what is! so we quickly looked at each other and pretty much said, "let's get out of here!" so we prayed, gave the kids some toffee, and sent them home. phewwwww!

mermaids?

in ghana i would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn't believe in God. there are no atheists here. everyone believes in God. now which god do they believe in? that is another question. i come from a country where everything can be explained by science. if it can't be explained then somehow, that can be explained too :)but in ghana, it is by god's will. it is god's direction, god's grace, god's choice for things to happen. it makes it easy to have a conversation about God. the door is always open. things don't always have to be explained.i was in a conversation with several people and it came out that they believe in marine spirits. marine spirits you ask? like mermaids. i was floored! i said there is no way. it is only make believe. they don't exist. my friends asked me if i believe in evil spirits and i said yes. so they said then why can't evil spirits be marine spirits? why can't marine spirits exist?both sides have very deep cultural ideas about this. both of us were trying very hard to convince the other side they were crazy. we came to a balanced middle agreement. both of us see where the other side is coming from.i thank God i can hear what other's believe. i love being in a place that is so different to where i grew up. i love the people here.'dis be ghana!

a farmer... a missionary

i heard once that farmers make the best missionaries. i agreed though had no reason to go against it. i mean, YAY for farmers, right? YAY!  but as i have had one of those monthssss (yes, that is plural) i think i may know why i was told that about farmers. this is my thinking-- a farmer has to milk cows everyday. that is everyday. even if you are sick, even if you don't want to, even if you are too tired. the cows are still there and unless you are paying someone else to do it, and with the way milk prices are now there is no way a normal person can have hired help, you have to milk the cows, twice a day. no holidays, unless of course your children get old enough and you get get away:), no "just one day off no one will know", no "i quit" or "you are fired". in that same line of thinking that is also where i am. some days i would like to quit. some days i just want to have a normal life, some days i am too tired to be sweaty again. some days i just want to be within a normal distance of my family. but i have to keep going. i can't just quit. ugh, i can't put quitter behind my name. even some of the work i do, it is exhausting but i can't quit. and i don't want to. no matter how hard it gets it is just something that has to be done.so maybe that farm mentality has soaked into my missionary mentality. i just have to keep going. and i know that it is not all just grittin' my teeth and bearin' it. i love what i get to do. i love being in a different culture. i love working with people i never thought i would. i love hearing about what other people believe.  i would never trade my life. i think that keep-going mentality keeps me in the game here in ghana. i could have quit. many times. i could have come home. no one would look down on me. some would even say "i paid my dues" but i am soooo glad i didn't/haven't. i am so glad i am sticking with this. i am so glad God is faithful. I am so glad He never leaves me nor forsakes me. yet, it is hard and it has its days, but i think farming taught me you just gotta keep doing it...and somewhere down the road you get yummy cheese curds, butter and amazing ice cream~~

not a leader

i don't want to be a leader. pretend i am saying it in a whiny voice, because i am saying it that way. it is not in me to lead. now, immediately i hear the christians around me saying,"it will be God working in you". yes, i know all that but at this point i still don't like it. i am not good at confrontation. and sometimes leaders need to confront. i like everyone being my friend. i like responsibility on someone else. (sigh)i had to organize music for a conference of missionaries and church leaders. it was stressful. some of it needed to be in french, some of it needed to have other singers and musicians, and all of the words needed to be up on a screen. i didn't like that responsibility. i didn't want to let anyone down. it was too much for me to handle. ok, ok, so there is a small part of me that looks back and says, "wow, God look at what you did!" but just a small part:)i have a group of young people in accra as associates, or shortermers who i lead. i feel for them. i am all over the place and forgetful and sometimes hypocritical. there really should be a better person to lead them. they are great. they put up with all my mindless chatter or mornings of not talking. they do all that they are asked. they work really hard. i really appreciate them and have come to love them. don't tell them i said that though.again, i see God using them. i see them flourishing in the space they have been called to serve in and i am humbled to be a part of it. it is good i think i can't do anything because God says, "duh, sherri, it's me, remember me". and He is who i remember.thanks God.

hi, my name is sherri. i am ...

i have had a day to sit. to do random things. to chat with friends. to be at my own pace instead of what is on the schedule. it feels wonderful. i yell at america about being so fast paced and doing so many things but to be honest, accra is very similar. kids programs, bible studies, visiting-all good things. but wouldn't it be nicer if it was a bit slower? i think so. i fill my schedule up for a few reasons...1. there are so many opportunities.2. i have come to serve, so let me serve!3. busyness makes me feel like important.number 3. when you ask someone how they really are they usually throw in the words stressed, busy, and tired. when was the last time you were not one of these words? is that what God wants for us? he definitely doesn't want us to be lazy but i think the other extreme is just as bad. in both extremes He is taken out. He is the one put to the side. We cry out...and then complain about whatever, or go and run and do whatever.i am just as guilty. i run around crazy. there is a lot to do. some things are not so simple here and it takes longer for it to get done. for example, i wanted to print out some photos and either the shop cannot print them for me in a few hours, or their machines are broken, or the electricity is out. so what you think may be a small task ends up being sweaty, tiring, and annoying. but i don't have an excuse like that for all that i do. there is a chunk of me that secretly likes being busy because like any normal person it feels good to accomplish something. it kind of shows people who we are.it fills us up to do things. it gives us worth to work/study/finish whatever. "i do, therefore, i am". but is what i do make me who i am? in america we say, "hi, my name is sue, i am a designer" as if that is who she is. she may have talents and gifts for designing but she is more than that. she is someone created in the image of ELOHIM, our strong creator. He has enabled her in ways that will bring glory to him and joy to her!i am a daughter of the king. does God see me as a missionary? i think he sees me as one he dances over. one that will never be separated from his love. one he has called to take the good news to other nations.hi, my name is sherri. i am loved.

sunday kids

sunday school class.craft- roostersstory- peter denies Jesus

Proverbs 3:5-6 TRUST

many christians have proverbs 3:5 memorized and they should. it is a great verse. a comforting verse. a verse to know that God will make my path straight even when i don't understand. But let's talk about that NON understanding part. that part i just don't get. sometimes i get angry that i don't understand. i cry because i feel i should understand or at least know or be in the clue about why it needs to go this way. Trust is a word christians talk a lot about. but do we really? really really? i am such a big talker. if i was back in the day of saul and the pharisees i would have been high up on the pole of rabbi. (uh, minus the part i am a woman). i am all about telling people what to do and how to live that i sometimes forget to do and listen to what Jesus says. how am i supposed to teach others when i am not learning from my Teacher? what do i have to pour out when i am full of the air-of-nothingness or wisdom-of-sherri?ok, so i have pulled away from my original thought. TRUST. can i say it? i don't.when i can't see it or when i can't understand i don't trust. to make myself feel better i say, "but i have trusted God and moved to africa." as if that shows everyone what a truster i am. yes, i did trust God in that. but what about in my daily thought life now? what about in making small decisions? what about in loving those next to me? do i trust? no. not really.one thing i love about Jesus, so many things really, but today as i am blog blasting my thoughts out, is that he gives me chance after chance after chance. he waits. he waits and longs for me to trust. and i hear him, with his arm around me cheering for me to let go of what i know and just trust. but my lip quivers. i have to breathe intentionally. i hold back the tears of fear and also tears of i-wish-i-could-do-this. in my head i tell myself, "He has never let me down, He has never let me down" but my fear is stronger. so i pray. and i rely on the body of Christ to be praying for me as well.let's not make it so simple...even though it is. it is simple and beautiful to trust the creator of the universe. i know it. but i know there are things in our lives that we have tucked so nicely away and will only pull out if it goes...just.like.this. trusting Jesus shows how my life is still so much about me. my level of trust shows where my heart really is. it is not so nice to come to terms with that. and then it feels good because i now have a starting place. though, it terrifies me.so much that i just can't. i can't trust with all of my heart. i can't. all? with all my heart???(sigh)i cannot even see the first step, much less those beyond. and yet, i roll my eyes at myself. if someone was telling me this i would say to them, "how exciting!!" how exciting to not know what is coming ahead and just be amazed at what God is going to do. God always brings an adventure. but i am being sulky. i am not feeling spontaneous and whimsy right now.  i don't want adventure. i want hard, solid facts of how, when, where, and why.no sweet-fuzzy-feeling-ending on this one.

a normal unsettledness

I never remember anything. I don’t remember things I did last week. I don’t remember what I put into my suitcases. I don’t remember who called me the other day. I am just terrible. If It is not written down count it lost, unless it relates to food or something ridiculous. So I am back in Ghana and wondering if I felt the same way the last time I returned in 2009. I can’t remember what was going thru my head or what i was planning. I can’t remember if I felt unsettled like I do now. I know that it is normal when you leave for such a long period of time. I know that you can’t just jump back into the swing of things, but man, would I like to. Things have changed. I don’t think I am much for change. I mean, I like it when I want someone to change or change things for my benefit but for me to change? Nah. And I think I need to get ready for it. I mean, there is a new president in Ghana. Ok, not that that will have so much impact on me but there is new youth leadership, new associates, new missionaries and that will impact me. How so? I really don’t know. And that brings about the unsettledness, which is normal, which I have already stated. Sorry, I guess I didn't remember i already said that.